Wade’s 8-inch floppy disk

Well, survivors, did you think that I told you everything about my peculiar discoveries? Aside from the Waderkvarn flash drive, I actually found another ancient artifact that managed to survive all the possible and impossible calamities of this world. I didn’t have a proper drive to read it myself, but I managed to find a working device (you believe me, don’t you?) and saw everything the thing had recorded on it.

And there was a treasure trove of great ideas! Let’s implement them all and make the Wasteland the most hilarious place for the foreseeable future. 

New brawl “At cozy point”

I’ve heard that you guys enjoyed the view from the cabin in the updated “At gunpoint” brawl. What if we just focus on that? Let’s make a brawl where you have to decorate the interior of your cabin with flowers, hang up pine tree air fresheners (the floppy disk mentioned that it used to be a great tradition of old), and so on.

And if it takes off, we’ll then add colored lighting, new decorative items, and even an ability to grow your own flowers in planter boxes. And garden gnomes, of course.

Balance deranges: “Kensei” cabin 

The latest changes have launched the cabin to the top of all efficiency and winrate metrics. We need to fix the situation as soon as possible, so here are the alterations to the cabin taken straight from your feedback!

• The cabin is now classified as “heavy”
• The cabin’s rarity is now relic instead of epic
• PS increased from 1500 to 2400

Perk changes: upon activation, the armoured car comes to a complete stop, becomes invisible, and stays firmly in place without the ability to move. The longer the armoured car stays in place, the lower its damage output and ram damage resistance become. In order to be able to move again, the armoured car needs to take damage from an enemy.

Lead developer’s comment: the change is aimed at lowering the popularity of the “Kensei” cabin and adding more flavor to its gameplay mechanics.

This text author’s comment: Wha—?

Wade’s comment: Get this, meatbags!

Changes to 3D models

• Models of all parts in the game reduced in size by 25%. Yes, all of them!

I have no clue how this will influence the gameplay. (Gameplay? What? We’re not playing any games; there’s a serious post-apocalypse going on!). But if some of the survivors want to use a 3D printer (if they can find one) to recreate parts from the game, they will need much less plastic. Saving resources and the planet in one go! Although the acid rain doesn’t seem to be affected.

Changes to the “Volcano” map

The only movement parts you can safely use on the map are hovers, since the whole surface of the “Volcano” is now covered in lava. The location now fully lives up to its name. The floppy disk actually mentioned a game that used to be popular among kids. Something about the floor being lava. Have you played it? No? Well, now you have a good reason to learn.

What if you go into battle in a car with wheels, you ask? Well, I guess you lose.

Changes to Wade’s behaviour

Ever since I came to your garage, I keep hearing that you all are annoyed by my chatter. I am quite offended, but oh well. I will keep quiet from now on, but… there’s a catch.

I’ve decided to take up dancing instead. I found lots of cool dance moves on the floppy disk, most of them from… Fort-something, I forgot. There were 24 full-fledged dance routines there! I think the disk had no space for more. There was a mention of 67, but I couldn’t figure out what that was about.

I also thought about starting to jumpscare you during battles by randomly jumping up on the screen and obscuring your vision. I swear I won’t talk while doing it, just as you wanted! Problem solved.

***

Well, enough about the future; let’s focus on the present. The “Cat and mouse” brawl has started today. It has the players eat a cake to become stronger. Pity it doesn’t work like that in real life…

To keep your spirits up, you have the chance today to add the “Festive cake” hologram to your collection. Yes, it’s last year’s cake, but at least it’s not a lie! And, as is tradition, we’ll also be giving you one unit of each resource. You can claim your gift until April 1, 23:59 GMT.

Have a great day, survivors! Oh, you’ve got something on your shirt… got your nose!